Ruffled Feathers
Conflict in Christ: Walking the Road Toward Peace Together
If you’re fighting with another person, you’re ultimately fighting the wrong battle, “for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers and powers and world rulers of this darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens” (Ephesians 6:12).
Yet, our Lord Jesus was realistic: fallen people in a fallen world have problems, usually with each other. So what are followers of Christ to do? Loving each other — and forgiving each other “from your heart” (Matthew 18:35) — are not suggestions but commandments, and Holy Scripture has much to say on redemptively managing conflict, such as:
“If a believer sins, go, address them in private. If they listen to you, you have won back that believer. But if they do not listen, take one or two others with you so that every accusation may be verified by two or three witnesses” (Matthew 18:15-16).
Let’s identify some practical steps:
♱ ♱ ♱
1) If there is conflict — If? More like when! Conflict happens wherever humans gather: even the apostles experienced conflict with each other (Mark 10:35-45), as St Paul experienced conflict with St Barnabus (Acts 15:36-41).
First, acknowledge the conflict: something has come between us, usually festering in our thoughts and feelings. Something you did or said — or didn’t do or say — has hurt or angered or irritated me. It’s common but doesn’t have to be threatening: just as the absence of conflict between two people does not necessarily mean the presence of love, so the presence of conflict between two people does not necessarily mean the absence of love. Irritations come and go and can often be overlooked by the “let them” approach — just let people be people, let them be who they are by shrugging off irritations and practicing some forbearance. After all, “hurt feelings” are often a sin, for it might mean we’ve become too precious to ourselves.
But, some conflict festers. How to tell it needs your attention? Notice if you’re avoiding the other person in any way — in your actions or your prayers or your good will or the company you’re keeping. Avoidance is often a clue that an intentional pursuit of reconciliation is necessary.
2) you — isn’t it probable that you have some contribution to this conflict? To use conflict as a way to grow in the likeness of Christ, a good prayer to offer is, “Lord, thank You that through this person You are showing me how far my heart is from You”. Conflict draws our own impurities to the surface where we can deal with them with the tools given to us by the Church. But admit and confess those impurities — sin, pride, vanity, the desire for control, wanting others to prefer your way — or your heart will grow hard. Whatever is in us becomes part of us.
You are “God’s co-worker” (I Corinthians 3:9) for your salvation, so sitting back waiting for the other person to do all the work of peacemaking doesn’t — and isn’t supposed to — work. Instead, recall what you proclaimed at your reception into the Holy Church: you were asked, “Hast thou renounced Satan and all his angels and all his works and all his service and all his pride?”, and you responded, “I have”. So, renounce pride, fear, the stubbornness of our fallen nature, and accept both your contribution to the conflict and your responsibility to do your part to help reconciliation. This is creative peacemaking at work, and how God uses conflict for our good.
3) go — physically move toward reconciliation. If a face-to-face get-together is too intense, reach out first by text or email or phone call or carrier pigeon or crayon on a napkin. But go means reach out. Prayer and reflection are essential but no substitute for obeying Christ’s commandment for you to go.
Need some time to cool down and collect your thoughts first? Afraid of a conversation turning into a confrontation? Fine, catch your breath. But the silent treatment as any kind of weapon or tool for brooding is dehumanizing — like a message sent to the other that you, and we, no longer matter.
4) to the person — this is a biggie: person-to-person. The ideal forum for conflict management is face-to-face. If that’s too intense, begin with a text or email. Either way, going to the person is often easier than living in avoidance about it.
The temptation, however, will be instead to talk about the person with whom you’re in conflict behind his or her back. Devil alert! No sin poisons the air more or sickens a community worse than gossip. Sure, it feels good to feel included, to be given “insider information” about someone, but only in the sense that sin feels good, initially. Then, its damage is incredible. “The words of a gossip are like dainty morsels; they go down into the innermost parts of the body” (Proverbs 18:8).
Anger Myth: “the best way to handle anger is to vent”. Wrong. “Venting” does not make any list of Christian virtues, but rather reinforces the injury and poisons the mind of the hearer, often intentionally. When you need to “get it out of your system”, take it to the Sacrament of Confession. For managing conflict, a person-to-person connection is essential, for any gossip darkens both the sharer and the hearer. Never poison the air with gossip; it makes you an enemy of God, a source of division, a destroyer of community, which means the only true healing from gossip will involve repenting before each person the offender has dragged down into it.
For gossip to succeed it requires a network of the willing. But those kinds of accomplices are not behaving as Christian brothers and sisters. Instead, create a true “spiritual tribe” by nudging each other not further but closer to the light and toward unity with each other (I Thessalonians 5:11). Be actual brothers and sisters in Christ.
5) talk in private — a private conversation is a show of respect, and makes sense when we consider how we would like to be approached. By refusing to publicize the grievance to any other, a private conversation is also an act of protective love toward the community. Don’t social media grievances.
Now, conflict can be emotional, so discussions about conflict can become emotional. Christ has an answer for that: “take one or two more with you” (Matthew 18:16). That is to say, if you’re concerned that a discussion will get too intense, have a trusted third party present to help keep the discussion on track and moving toward peaceful resolution.
6) to discuss the problem — “discuss” does not mean accuse, attack, overwhelm, blame, or shame. Instead, speak for how you’ve been feeling, then move toward non-aggressive questions, such as, “Can you help me understand why you said [or did] that?” “Is there something about your actions I’m missing?” Describe what you’ve observed; explain how it’s troubled you; share what the consequences have been.
7) for the purpose of reconciliation — if the relationship is restorable, glory to God. But you can at least agree to stop the hemorrhaging of basic goodwill and come to deeper understanding of each other. The goal isn’t to win an argument but to limit the damage that comes from avoiding the problem or airing the problem to others. Will you become best
buddies? Close friends? Acquaintances? Up to you. But at the very least you’ll make room once again for that person in your actions or your prayers or your good will or the company you’re keeping. Remember, the forgiveness to which Christ calls us is not simply from the lips but “from the heart” (Matthew 18:35).
All conflict is ultimately spiritual: if you’re fighting with another person, you’re ultimately fighting the wrong battle. Yes, sometimes believers have to “hug it out”, but true spiritual warfare is less about believer against believer and more about each believer engaging the inner contest with whatever is holding back Christlike love — Christ, who is our model and example of what it means to be human.
Indeed, to be love itself.
If you’re fighting with another person, you’re ultimately fighting the wrong battle, “for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers and powers and world rulers of this darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens” (Ephesians 6:12).
Yet, our Lord Jesus was realistic: fallen people in a fallen world have problems, usually with each other. So what are followers of Christ to do? Loving each other — and forgiving each other “from your heart” (Matthew 18:35) — are not suggestions but commandments, and Holy Scripture has much to say on redemptively managing conflict, such as:
“If a believer sins, go, address them in private. If they listen to you, you have won back that believer. But if they do not listen, take one or two others with you so that every accusation may be verified by two or three witnesses” (Matthew 18:15-16).
Let’s identify some practical steps:
- If there is conflict
- you,
- go,
- to the person,
- in private,
- to discuss the problem,
- for the purpose of reconciliation.
♱ ♱ ♱
1) If there is conflict — If? More like when! Conflict happens wherever humans gather: even the apostles experienced conflict with each other (Mark 10:35-45), as St Paul experienced conflict with St Barnabus (Acts 15:36-41).
First, acknowledge the conflict: something has come between us, usually festering in our thoughts and feelings. Something you did or said — or didn’t do or say — has hurt or angered or irritated me. It’s common but doesn’t have to be threatening: just as the absence of conflict between two people does not necessarily mean the presence of love, so the presence of conflict between two people does not necessarily mean the absence of love. Irritations come and go and can often be overlooked by the “let them” approach — just let people be people, let them be who they are by shrugging off irritations and practicing some forbearance. After all, “hurt feelings” are often a sin, for it might mean we’ve become too precious to ourselves.
But, some conflict festers. How to tell it needs your attention? Notice if you’re avoiding the other person in any way — in your actions or your prayers or your good will or the company you’re keeping. Avoidance is often a clue that an intentional pursuit of reconciliation is necessary.
2) you — isn’t it probable that you have some contribution to this conflict? To use conflict as a way to grow in the likeness of Christ, a good prayer to offer is, “Lord, thank You that through this person You are showing me how far my heart is from You”. Conflict draws our own impurities to the surface where we can deal with them with the tools given to us by the Church. But admit and confess those impurities — sin, pride, vanity, the desire for control, wanting others to prefer your way — or your heart will grow hard. Whatever is in us becomes part of us.
You are “God’s co-worker” (I Corinthians 3:9) for your salvation, so sitting back waiting for the other person to do all the work of peacemaking doesn’t — and isn’t supposed to — work. Instead, recall what you proclaimed at your reception into the Holy Church: you were asked, “Hast thou renounced Satan and all his angels and all his works and all his service and all his pride?”, and you responded, “I have”. So, renounce pride, fear, the stubbornness of our fallen nature, and accept both your contribution to the conflict and your responsibility to do your part to help reconciliation. This is creative peacemaking at work, and how God uses conflict for our good.
3) go — physically move toward reconciliation. If a face-to-face get-together is too intense, reach out first by text or email or phone call or carrier pigeon or crayon on a napkin. But go means reach out. Prayer and reflection are essential but no substitute for obeying Christ’s commandment for you to go.
Need some time to cool down and collect your thoughts first? Afraid of a conversation turning into a confrontation? Fine, catch your breath. But the silent treatment as any kind of weapon or tool for brooding is dehumanizing — like a message sent to the other that you, and we, no longer matter.
4) to the person — this is a biggie: person-to-person. The ideal forum for conflict management is face-to-face. If that’s too intense, begin with a text or email. Either way, going to the person is often easier than living in avoidance about it.
The temptation, however, will be instead to talk about the person with whom you’re in conflict behind his or her back. Devil alert! No sin poisons the air more or sickens a community worse than gossip. Sure, it feels good to feel included, to be given “insider information” about someone, but only in the sense that sin feels good, initially. Then, its damage is incredible. “The words of a gossip are like dainty morsels; they go down into the innermost parts of the body” (Proverbs 18:8).
Anger Myth: “the best way to handle anger is to vent”. Wrong. “Venting” does not make any list of Christian virtues, but rather reinforces the injury and poisons the mind of the hearer, often intentionally. When you need to “get it out of your system”, take it to the Sacrament of Confession. For managing conflict, a person-to-person connection is essential, for any gossip darkens both the sharer and the hearer. Never poison the air with gossip; it makes you an enemy of God, a source of division, a destroyer of community, which means the only true healing from gossip will involve repenting before each person the offender has dragged down into it.
For gossip to succeed it requires a network of the willing. But those kinds of accomplices are not behaving as Christian brothers and sisters. Instead, create a true “spiritual tribe” by nudging each other not further but closer to the light and toward unity with each other (I Thessalonians 5:11). Be actual brothers and sisters in Christ.
5) talk in private — a private conversation is a show of respect, and makes sense when we consider how we would like to be approached. By refusing to publicize the grievance to any other, a private conversation is also an act of protective love toward the community. Don’t social media grievances.
Now, conflict can be emotional, so discussions about conflict can become emotional. Christ has an answer for that: “take one or two more with you” (Matthew 18:16). That is to say, if you’re concerned that a discussion will get too intense, have a trusted third party present to help keep the discussion on track and moving toward peaceful resolution.
6) to discuss the problem — “discuss” does not mean accuse, attack, overwhelm, blame, or shame. Instead, speak for how you’ve been feeling, then move toward non-aggressive questions, such as, “Can you help me understand why you said [or did] that?” “Is there something about your actions I’m missing?” Describe what you’ve observed; explain how it’s troubled you; share what the consequences have been.
7) for the purpose of reconciliation — if the relationship is restorable, glory to God. But you can at least agree to stop the hemorrhaging of basic goodwill and come to deeper understanding of each other. The goal isn’t to win an argument but to limit the damage that comes from avoiding the problem or airing the problem to others. Will you become best
buddies? Close friends? Acquaintances? Up to you. But at the very least you’ll make room once again for that person in your actions or your prayers or your good will or the company you’re keeping. Remember, the forgiveness to which Christ calls us is not simply from the lips but “from the heart” (Matthew 18:35).
All conflict is ultimately spiritual: if you’re fighting with another person, you’re ultimately fighting the wrong battle. Yes, sometimes believers have to “hug it out”, but true spiritual warfare is less about believer against believer and more about each believer engaging the inner contest with whatever is holding back Christlike love — Christ, who is our model and example of what it means to be human.
Indeed, to be love itself.